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Puerto Vallarta News NetworkDazed & Confused | How To

How to Spice Up a Communion Wafer
Kevin Kelm -

By themselves, communion wafers are pretty vile. That would explain why they have to "sell" them with a free sip of wine. So the purpose of this experiment is to find out just what it takes to turn the communion experience from "ow!" to "wow!" We* went to the supermarket and we selected a range of toppings and condiments to serve eucharists with.

I can hear some of you now. "Blasphemous!" "Scandalous!" But hold on there, bucko! What if we discover some new way to serve communion wafers that brings people stampeding back to the church as if it were some chic new restaurant on the lower east side? Uh huh, you didn't think of that, did you? We thought not.

* "We" = me and my partner in crime, Gary. Gary hesitantly tried the first few combinations, but after I inflicted the Cheddar 'n Bacon Cheeze-Whiz 'n Eucharists combo on him, he resolutely refused to participate further, even after I explained that it was for science. Did Pierre & Marie Curie quit after the first melanoma? No! They forged ahead for science. Sure, they died of cancer, but they did it together.

Our rating scale works as follows:

1-Awful • 2-Mediocre • 3-Okay • 4-Not Bad • 5-YUMMY!

French Onion Dip
I generally don't even like french onion dip on potato chips, so why did I think it would be any better with communion wafers? Points off for lack of forethought.

Pros: The onion taste pretty much obscures the taste of the wafer.
Cons: It's like eating a blister.
Rating: 2-Mediocre
Whipped Cream
Is there anything that whipped cream doesn't improve the taste of? I doubt it. And after we did the taste test, we got distracted doing whippits.

Pros: Whipped cream! What's not to love?
Cons: Still rather cardboardy
Rating: 4-Not Bad
Okay, it's not actually Cheeze-Whiz®; I tried finding that at the grocery store and they didn't seem to have it, so I chose an off-brand. If the Cheeze-Whiz® company would like to send me some, I'd be happy to try it and report my findings. This, instead, is "Easy Cheese" Cheddar 'n Bacon flavor. I find it disquieting that the can says "NO NEED TO REFRIGERATE." I kid an English friend about them being responsible for the Culinary Holocaust, but he's got me on this one.

Pros: None spring to mind.
Cons: A eucharist is bad by itself and this cheese-like substance is bad by itself. Together they're absolutely ass-tastic. TASTES LIKE SATAN.
Rating: 1-Awful
Picture this: You pull up next to the archbishop's car at a stop light. He rolls down his window and asks, "Pardon me. Would you have any Grey Poupon?" and you give him some from your glove-compartment. He smears it on a communion wafer then takes a bite. You wake up screaming and your pillow is missing.

Pros: Gimme a minute, I'm thinking.
Cons: Taste: Six kinds of horrible.
Rating: 1-Awful
Oreo Stuff
The idea is simple; Oreos are like a gift from God, right? Just like His son? Sure. So what could be better than a double layer of Oreo Stuff in between two pieces of God's son?

Pros: Oreo Stuff
Cons: Body of Christ
Rating: 3-Okay
Y'know how you use extra ketchup when you burn your hamburger? This is sort of like that.

Pros: N/A
Cons: Ketchup goes very well with barbecued brats and hamburgers. Eucharists? Mmmmm, not so much.
Rating: 2-Mediocre
Peanut Butter
I truly love peanut butter.

Pros: Got rid of the ketchup taste.
Cons: Replaced it with peanut butter & foam sammich taste.
Rating: 4-Not bad
Cholula Sauce
I'm already in a white-hot hell, so what's a little more?

Pros: Didn't go down too bad except for the gnawing burn.
Cons: A bit of a let-down after the wasabi.
Rating: 4-Not Bad
Anchovy Paste
I approached this one with notable trepidation. A tiny bit of anchovy taste makes a ceasar salad tangy. But what does it do for communion wafers?

Pros: Completely obliterates dry eucharist taste.
Cons: I can't wash the stank off my hands and I believe I'm going to be ill.
Rating: 0-God-foresaken
Yes, that's the stuff that makes your sushi spicy. And yes, I'm really going to eat that.

Pros: No sign of sinus congestion.
Cons: I can't feel my toes.
Rating: 1-Awful
White Cosmopolitan

Here we are at the last item. I've exhausted my supply of condiments. For the benefit of science, I have filled my stomach with vile concoctions. And with the celebratory close of the experiment, I finally found what makes communion wafers palatable: Alcohol. Sweet, cleansing, soul-numbing alcohol. And the priests knew it all along! Your favorite may vary, but here's how you make this fabulous combination:

5 parts Svedka vodka,
4 parts Cointreau,
1 part white cranberry juice,
a twist of lime.
Shake or serve on the rocks. Nibble eucharist, gulp booze.

Pros: Can no longer walk a straight line.
Cons: Can no longer walk a straight line.
Rating: 5-YUMMY!

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