| | |  Editorials | Opinions | November 2009 
The Real Story Behind Thanksgiving
 Michael Rosenberg - freep.com
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November 23, 2009
 |  | The best way to celebrate Thanksgiving is to fast for two days beforehand, then - as quickly as you possibly can - eat an entire turkey. Ideally, somebody should cook the turkey first. |  | | |
When I was a kid, Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday. But I think Thanksgiving is every kid's favorite holiday, other than maybe Halloween.
Unfortunately, as so often happens in today's society, people forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving and the story behind the holiday. So let's jog your memory: Thanksgiving was started in the late 1800s by the House of Representatives' Committee for Not Working.
A perfect holiday is born
The committee members needed to come up with a new holiday, so they went on a three-week fact-finding mission to Hawaii, where they interviewed people and crunched the numbers, only to reach this stunning conclusion: Hawaii was not a state yet. Obviously, the committee members couldn't trust the word of people who were not U.S. citizens, so they did the whole thing again in Arizona, but - oops! That wasn't a state yet, either.
They then tried Paris, Monaco and Puerto Vallarta before finally finding some Americans in Key West.
As it turned out, the people wanted a normal holiday but without any religion. This worked pretty well for a few years, until Americans realized Thanksgiving was just an excuse to get fat, and since getting fat was becoming the year-round national pastime, who needed a special day to do it?
Thanksgiving was in danger of extinction. This is when the president of the United States stepped in and, by executive order, created a new religion to celebrate on Thanksgiving. He called this new religion "football." And since most religions involve at least some form of penance, as well as questioning the existence of a benevolent God, the president then created the Lions. He was immediately impeached.
Shortly after that, the new president added a day of discount shopping to the weekend, and Thanksgiving has been here ever since.
A lot to be thankful for
These days, the best way to celebrate Thanksgiving is to fast for two days beforehand, then - as quickly as you possibly can - eat an entire turkey. Ideally, somebody should cook the turkey first.
Along with the turkey, you want stuffing, a food I have always admired for its honest marketing campaign. We've all seen sugar-free snacks that are about as healthy as nuclear waste, and fat-free candy that is 98% sugar and 2% Elmer's Glue. Stuffing does not kid anybody. It is there to stuff. Stuff the turkey, stuff you - that's pretty much it.
By my math, the average American gains between 16 and 28 pounds on Thanksgiving. Of course, by my math, if you ask for change for a 20, I can give you two fives. But the point here is that you probably will gain a lot of weight on Thanksgiving.
This will make it difficult to squeeze between other store customers on Black Friday, but you can make up for it by throwing your weight around. You know those folks who spend 10 minutes looking at an item, as if they've never seen a sweater before? You'd be surprised at how easily you can knock them on their butts. Just don't get flagged for holding. That would be sacrilegious.
Contact Michael Rosenberg mrosenberg(at)freepress.com |
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