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 Dazed & Confused
The Funnies
from our Readers
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Divorced Barbie
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?'
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Bar bie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.'
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.'
- D Reilly, Connecticut
Ouch!
A woman from Vancouver, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near Lake Cowichan, Vancouver Island. There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl. It attacked her!
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood: in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor - a woman, 35 minutes away, in Duncan. She told her she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience. She then told her to go into the examining room and she would see if she could help. The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
The doctor smiled and said, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environment Canada, the BC Forest Service and Worksafe BC before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
Ad in Newspaper...HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
RESULTS:
Two days later the doorbell rang. She opened the door, and much to her dismay, there sat a gray-haired gentleman in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
"Are you responding to my ad?" the woman asked. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?"
"Yes, I am," the man replied.
The old lady sneered: "Just look at you. You have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled and said: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms, either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, and softly replied: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
The wedding is set for Saturday.
A Good Laugh
Jay Leno: “Earlier this morning in London, police defused a potentially massive car bomb parked in front of the famed Piccadilly Circus. President Bush got a little confused. Yeah, he called the new prime minister to make sure all the animals and clowns were safe. I don’t think he understands.”
Jay Leno: “No, authorities said the terrorist planned to detonate the bomb with his cell phone,” but luckily, “the guy had Cingular, so he couldn’t get a signal.”
Jay Leno: “And as you know, President Bush’s immigration bill failed to pass. To be fair, it’s not the first time in his life George Bush has heard the term ‘failed to pass.’”
Jay Leno: “No, it was voted down by the Senate. You know, I wondered why the help at Wal-Mart seemed a little testy today.”
Jay Leno: “In fact, some illegal immigrants are so angry, they are threatening to leave the country.”
Jay Leno: “No, this bill would’ve established a bunch of new immigration laws to replace all the old immigration laws we didn’t bother to enforce in the first place, so it’s rather complicated.”
Jay Leno: “They said the Senate switchboard completely shut down after they got over 10,000 calls protesting the immigration bill - 10,000 calls, all from Lou Dobbs.”
Jay Leno: “The other day at the Mexican-U.S. border, three illegal aliens were discovered under the hood of a Ford pickup truck crouched around the engine. When President Bush heard about this, he said, ‘No, that was wrong.’ He said, ‘We don’t call them engines anymore. They’re now Native Americans.’”
Jay Leno: “And experts say the price of milk could rise to as much as $4 a gallon - $4 a gallon for milk! I didn’t know Dick Cheney was involved in the dairy industry. When did that happen?”
Mexican condom manufacturer Fornicada today unveiled its latest latex creation, the "Son-Brero". "It's designed to appeal to Mexican traditions," said spokesman Manuel Labor, "while still performing at the high standards people expect from us".
 The company hopes the Son-Brero will outsell last year's "Ping-Yata", the bright yellow, candy-flavored contraceptive with decorative ribbons on it that failed to capture market share. "This product was a long time in coming" explained Mr. Labor. "Sales were flaccid last year," he contined, "and competition stiff. We hope this is a stroke of marketing genius, and will be hard to refuse for the consumer".
Mexico's approximately 637 non-catholics were reportedly excited about the new product.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
 The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from South Carolina. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a gal from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.
A Warning to Women of the World
 PVNN
Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.
Bush flies to Mexico to meet with the Mexican president. Driving in from the airport in the limousine, Bush looks through the window at all the Mexican men, women and children going about their business outside.
He turns to the Mexican president beside him and says, "I thought we had a problem with illegal aliens in the States but, jeez, they're all over the place down here."
Japanese Fart
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally lets out a big fart.
She looked up and said, "Aww so sowwy, excuse prease, front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud."
The husband had just finished reading a new book, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!"
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want.
"After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess."
 A beautiful young woman on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her.
The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."
A Simple Explanation of Baseball
 This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in.
The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out.
If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count.
If they get in before they get out it does count.
When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.
When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over.
The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal.
In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.
The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.
 The Magician and The Captain's Parrot
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day ... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said, "Okay, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"
 A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the Product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
She replied, "We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex."
"I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly How you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob, and it keeps the damn kids out of our bedroom."
 George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.
The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people really happy."
| | Leno: According to a new ABC poll, in Iraq, 71 percent of Iraqis say life is going well for them in Iraq. They like living in Iraq. So more Iraqis think things are going well in Iraq than Americans do. So you know what that means? I guess they don't get The New York Times over there. |
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"
"And there's a physician here - 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And me... I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican'!"
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Send us your original jokes, humorous stories and other funny stuff to Humor@BanderasNews.com |
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