Health & Beauty | December 2009
|Dirty Talk Basics|
David Strovny - AskMen.com
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December 20, 2009
So you want to talk dirty, but don’t have a clue where to start?
|Talking dirty can be a lot of fun and can give a boost to your sex life. Just remember: Take it easy and work your way into it.|
Gutter bedroom talk is an art form in itself - but don’t worry, it's not that hard to learn how to be good at it. Yes, there may be giggles, but a laugh is better than the alternative of silence and the subsequent hysterics you’ll trigger when she tells her girlfriends about it.
Even in our modern era, talking about what we want when it comes to sex is still difficult. Fantasy requests can be misconstrued as saying “you are not enough for me” when, in reality, they are a huge part of our sexuality - which, if we believe statistics, a whopping 80% of our sex lives takes place in our heads. So, talking dirty is part of fantasy sex play, and can be a headboard-busting turn-on for both partners.
Testing the Dirty Waters
Communication is the key to good sex. We should all know this by now, but we still don’t practice it half as much as we should, if at all. The first step to introducing something new into lovemaking is to test the waters in casual conversations. Ask questions like: “Have you ever talked dirty in bed before?” or “If I talked filth into your ear while we made love, what would you do?” This gets the idea into her head, and rest assured that she’ll ponder it after you mention it, and possibly discuss it with her girlfriends to see what they do and if they like it.
It is possible, however, that she will flatly refuse to entertain the idea, in which case, it’s best to drop it. If she is uncomfortable with the idea, she is not likely to change her mind in a hurry and any attempts will probably be a turn off.
There are two aspects of successfully integrating dirty talk into your sex play. The first is the content - subject matter makes or breaks any dirty talk session. It’s supposed to turn her on, not make her cringe or burst out laughing. The second is the delivery: Your tone, volume and the warm up are all important.
Dirty Talk Dos
Read her an erotic story
This can be incredibly erotic and is a fantastic way to spend an hour. There are plenty of good erotic writers around, but finding something she will like can be hard. A good bet is to find a women’s magazine that has an erotic fiction section in it or - even better - a specialized erotica magazine. She is unlikely to be offended if the magazine isn’t trashy or aimed at men. In reading to her, you can practice your dirty voice and it’s also a fun way to spend time together, whether it leads to sex or not.
Dirty words are part of our culture, and we use them for effect and expression. This is the very reason why swearing is a great part of talking dirty in bed. The bare-bones filth of the words spurs on the rawness of the act you are performing. It can also bring out another side of us. If your girl is sweet and polite by nature, expressing her dirty side in bed can be a real buzz for both of you.
Speak in a different language
All in all, English is not the most romantic language on earth. It is by no means the worst sounding, but something like French, Italian or Portuguese sounds so much better. It sounds different and the words, spoken with such elegance, are a pleasure to hear. Having words spoken to you in a foreign tongue during sex can be a beautiful thing, regardless of what is said. Keep in mind, however, that telling her you can’t wait to buy a new dishwasher in Spanish is not going to help you in anyway - unless, of course, you have a thing for dishwashers. So, keep the topic sexy so that you stay in the mood as well.
Dirty Talk Don’ts
Don't mention family
References to her family or yours are strictly out of bounds and, really, do you want to be discussing the in-laws while you make love? Probably not. Don’t mention anything about her super-sexy younger sister either or she'll pull the plug on the whole lovemaking shebang.
Don't talk about other women
Don’t bring up the topic of other women unless she specifically requests it, otherwise it could make her feel very insecure. And insecurity is not a known aphrodisiac. It is quite possible that your partner may want to hear you talking filth about another woman. It may turn her on to know that other women want you and that you want them. It comes back to the raw factor, which is useful in many ways, but understandably, can be a bit much for some people. To be on the safe side, just steer clear of the topic unless asked otherwise.
Don't use clinical or childish terms
Clinical terms will sweep the sexiness out of any passionate moment. Calling your manhood an erect penis kills the moment with images of high school sex ed. At this point in time, it is of no use to either of you, unless you’re role playing, of course. This applies to all parts of the anatomy, with the possible exception of the term "breasts.” Immature terms can include things like “hooters” or ”jugs;” they’re just not the sexiest word options.
Delivering the Goods
Choose a voice
What is sexy to you? Low and deep, high and squeaky or a breathy whisper? Your normal talking voice or a new persona? Play around with a few and choose one you like. The benefit of having a special dirty talk voice is that when you are on the phone with her in the future and you use your sexy voice, her mind will automatically associate that voice with (hopefully) raunchy, exciting sex.
First thing’s first: Make sure you are both in the mood. It is easiest to start talking dirty when you are actually having sex. You will both need to be quite turned on for it to work, which means no skipping foreplay. Whisper a couple of things in her ear and see what she does, just to test the waters.
A good way to start the dirty talk is by simply relaying what you are doing at the time and how good it feels - but don’t go on about it. Having someone commentating on the action the entire time can be a turn off, so take it easy. Just say a few things, like: “Your [insert body part] feels so good” or “I love how my [insert body part] feels when you do that.” Keep in mind that women can feel quite self-conscious when a man comments on their body during sex. The benefit of this dialogue is that not only will she get to hear you dirty talk, but she’ll also get to learn more about what you like during sex. This communication has longer-lasting benefits than just making sex more exciting at the time, and it will encourage her to speak up too.
Develop your repertoire
Try to keep the subject matter and the lines you use varied; nobody likes a broken record. Once you are more confident that she likes it and wants to play, try to incorporate some speech-centered role playing into your lovemaking. Get her to join - you may just find her swearing back at you.
It can be hard to discuss how well you’re doing while in the act, so save the analysis for later. If she doesn’t like it but you clearly do, she won’t want to embarrass you. To avoid this problem with a less communicative partner, ask her later. Discuss it when you’re watching TV or making dinner. Any time you are fully clothed there is a far less risk of damaging egos. You can talk about which parts you both liked, and if she or you stopped liking it at anytime and why. Keep the discussion lighthearted and fun.
Prepare to deal with laughter
We laugh at all sorts of things, especially when we’re nervous or afraid. The problem with talking dirty is that it can often be hilarious and laughing is involuntary, or your nerves or hers may manifest themselves into laughter. To avoid this, discuss your fears with your partner, or at least mention that you are afraid that she will laugh at you. This lets her know not to laugh, but to encourage you and tell you what she would like.
Talking dirty can be a lot of fun and can give a boost to your sex life. Being an effective dirty talker takes practice and perseverance. Blurting out rude things may come naturally to you, but being a successful filth merchant probably doesn’t. Just remember: Take it easy and work your way into it.