Health & Beauty | December 2007
|The Top Ten Fashion Mistakes of 2007|
len - PVNN
Soon, 2007 will be a memory and 2008 will have arrived with a bang. The Bay's traditional light show of bursting colors will have amazed us all, and we will all be left wondering, "Is it the 3rd already? What happened to January 1st and 2nd?"
As is tradition with any publication of merit; there is always that one person whose job it is to judge and critique that which the rest of you - or, at least, some of you - call fashion.
There's the legacy of the dreaded Mr. Blackwell's Top Ten, Andy Rooney's whimsical look at everything acidic and Bill Maher's "New Rules" (my personal favorite.) Seeing how Mama Dolores and I are always arguing over who is... how shall I put this... bitchier, I present to you Use Your Head's Top Ten Fashion Mistakes of 2007.
I know you are all reading this, saying to yourselves, "How is this any different than Len's usual attitude about anything?" This time I am getting specific. I mean really mean. Hold on, Kids, here we go.
Disclaimer: This is an opinion. Not all of you will agree or like what you are about to read. Get over it. Have fun.
#10: Ponytails belong on two-year-olds, not grown men.
Now I know I can sound like a broken record sometimes, but at least I am consistent. Last year this little faux pas came in at number one, so I am learning to forgive. Not forget, just forgive. Gentlemen, my offer still stands: I will cut it off and style your hair for free.. and set you on a path to a more handsome 21st century.
#9: Someone find me an Epilady!
Has someone hidden the wax, the razor and every other implement used to trim feminine body hair! I must have missed the fashion update when it came to hairy underarms for women... as if it ever did. Doesn't everything come with sleeves now? Any kind of underarm service does not hurt, trust me. I do it myself. Please mow it down if you are going to the beach or wearing anything other than a pullover sweater. It's just icky.
#8: Sarong sometimes equals So-Wrong.
On any man or woman with abs of steel, these beautiful beach accessories are gorgeous. In anybody else's hands they can be ever so inappropriate. It is true there are multiple uses for the sarong. Lying on the beach or using it as a table cloth for those little wooden tables. These are all good and logical uses for this island born piece of rayon. However, as a dress to wear out to fancy restaurants without any kind of tailoring done to it is, well, a recipe for disaster. You may as well be wearing that big plastic shoe to round out the whole ensemble. More on that later.
#7: Anyone with more than two inches of roots.
There is nothing worse to me than seeing someone who took the time to color their hair, once, and decided that it did not work and would just let it all grow out. If you were able to find the time once to color your hair, then how hard can it be to find the time to get it fixed or tinted back, or, and I am just thinking out loud here, keep it up?
#6: Vallarta has a Crack Problem.
I am not talking about the drug. I am talking about clothes that will never fit or clothes that used to fit and no longer do... especially in the rear. When the line of demarcation between those cheeks is visible from more than 5 feet away, there are only two things to do. Throw a dozen roses in there and see how long it takes them to root, or, play a game of coin toss. I will leave it up to you. I think you, Guys and Gals, should cover it up!
#5: Black dress socks and sandals. Why, oh why?
There seems to be this cultural phenomenon that happens when straight men or any males of any persuasion are on vacation. They seem to lose all fashion common sense - or their wife is too busy shopping at the Mercado to say, "Ummm. No." Now it is true that tight black socks are good for circulation and some men need this because of other health problems. This is cool. But wearing pants and real shoes is the fashion call to follow when needing to wear black socks.
#4: Hawaiian Shirts belong in Hawaii. Not Mexico.
True, both are tropical, but you can tell the difference. Hulas are not Mexican! And, if you wear an extra large or larger, please do not tuck it in. They never stay there and then we are all blessed with a version of #6.
#3: Do you own a mirror?
If your pants are too tight and ride low, along with a shirt that looks like you bought it in third grade, guess what happens... a little roll of I don't know what pops out of the middle. Now there are many different derogatory ways of referring to this major fashion faux pas; but we will not use them here. No, we won't. We will simply call it the "Dunlop" phenomenon. The first who figures this out and emails me with the proper definition gets a hair-cut on me.
#2: Stop wearing plastic or rubber clothing.
At the risk of receiving a lifetime's supply of this insidious looking piece of shoe wear (as retribution,) I want you to remember this. It was Bill Maher who reminded me that it was just a couple of years ago that the only people wearing these shoes were toddlers and mental patients. Have Americans become so hooked on this trend that they won't be happy until they are wearing plastic diapers, with their Crocs, to the grocery store? Put these shoes back in the garden shed where they belong. Please!
#1: Crocs after eight o'clock at night.
Suzy Smurf was not all that cute in shoes like these with her party dress either. There is not enough glitter nor enough gemstones on the planet to make rubber look like evening wear!
Happy 2008 to all of you. And here's hoping that all of the above will be fixed and swept under the rug... until next year, when I can use my head and have this much fun again! Prospero Nuevo Ano - and see you soon in the New Year. Love ya, mean it, len.
Given that Len's very first word was "more," and the second one was "pretty" it is no wonder that he now not only owns and runs the #1 salon and spa in Puerto Vallarta, blu by Len, but also writes a bi-weekly beauty column, Use Your Head. Whatever you hair may or may not need, Len will know exactly what to do or where to go to find the answer - just send him an email at len(at)blubylen.com.