Health & Beauty | December 2008
|len's life: It's a Cocktail Party, Not a Barbecue. Shall We Discuss the Difference, Gentlemen?|
Len - PVNN
It never ceases to amaze me how little most men - definitely not men who are like me - worry about their own personal appearance. Especially during the party season which, as we all know, began yesterday and ends sometime next year. I realize that all men are not created equal, yet it continues to boggle my mind how little many of them seem to care about how they look.
Guys, this is not just me ganging up on you. In my world, I get told and I observe that most of you do not look like you care how you look. I write my opinions based simply on what your wives or significant others are always talking to me about. Therefore, in truth, it is not just me. It's just that I have a bigger mouth, not to mention nerve. So here we go.
We are going to break you down into four simple groups. No, not dumb, dumber, dumbest and worst. I have more current and up to date labels to pin upon you, because, as you all know, I am so into labels. Gucci, Channel, and Prada come to mind first, but these do not adequately cover the issue at hand. So we will begin with the label Metrosexual.
Now, before all of you "holier-than-thou's" start getting your jockeys in a wad about my word choice, get over it. Metrosexual is now found in Webster's, and it describes the luckiest men in the world. Webster says this relatively new word means "a usually urban heterosexual male given to enhancing his personal appearance by fastidious grooming, beauty treatments and fashionable clothes."
I prefer to sum it up with this simple phrase: "These men give a damn about how they look - wherever they are, but especially when out for the evening." Are you beginning to get a clear picture here? These are the men who shave on a daily basis. They make sure they have two eye brows, not one giant one from one eye to the other. And they make sure that all hair growing anywhere other than on their head is trimmed, plucked, waxed or somehow removed.
They are also the guys who watch football and baseball, but make sure they are up to date with all world events, not just the World Series. And they know the difference between roses and carnations ... which is about $50.00 bucks worth of love. These gentlemen are not afraid to spend it either. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger might want to call these guys "girlie men," but he doesn't dare with a middle name like Alois. Most of the women I know simple call the Metrosexual a "great catch."
The second group, we'll call the "made-to-do-it" male species. These are the ones who, if left to their own devices, would be just a happy anywhere in their fishing boots with a matching hat and dingy boxers - probably Scooby Doo boxers! The pro shop at the local country club is usually the best place to find this species because ... well ... come on ... if it's good enough for 18 holes of golf, it must be good enough for the neighbor's cocktail party. But, luckily for you and me, their wives or life partners have the decency to dress them up a little before they leave the house to go to the boss's Christmas Party. To all of you significant others, wives or otherwise, I say thank you.
Third, there are the Red-Necks. Sorry for this apparent slur, Guys, but sometimes there is no better description than the first one that pops into mind. Decency be damned, you boys need help. I mean serious help.
This particular brand of homo sapiens, in the male form, is easy to spot during the party season. It does not matter how much they have paid, or have been made to pay, for a ticket to any kind of event.
It does not matter what level of party they have been invited to. They will be wearing the exact same thing they wore to their mother's last cobbler and homemade ice cream bash. It usually consists of a long, greasy mullet hair style; a baseball cap embossed with the logo of their favorite community college; and a shirt, probably a T-shirt, displaying some sort of wild game that only a Sarah Palin could appreciate. Pair all of this with a set of dark socks that come up just below the knee, open toed shoes and the always popular Elvis belt buckle, and well, you kind of get the idea, don't you? Not a pretty picture. Or is it just me?
Last, but not least, is my personal favorite. The Romantic Zone Boy ... or Man - the RZ. Season after season, they stroll by the front of my Katie Couric-style window-on-the-world at blu, and I am never disappointed. I mean never. I love watching the women in the salon almost come down with whiplash, trying to catch a look at the always groomed and well dressed RZ.
I don't mean to brag, but if any of you in groups two and three could simply learn one thing from those of us in groups one and four ... well, the world would certainly smell a whole lot better, that's all I have to say. Can you imagine how explosive the male cosmetic industry would become if only the "made-to-do-its" and the "red-necks" would simply buy a bottle of Brut? Or even Old Spice? Yes, those are considered cosmetics, even as archaic as their names sound.
So, without getting all mushy and stuff, thank you RZ's for continuously showing me what is possible and being forever jealous of your commitment to excellence in all things healthy and handsome.
For the men who find themselves insulted or irritated by my views this week, I say to you ... get over it. Ladies, start demanding more of your spouse or, better yet, you men, start demanding more of yourself. Most men are puffing their chests, saying to themselves, "this is too nelly to even think about." Well, think about this: to what lengths does your better half go to make sure that she is as beautiful as you want her to be. Guess what, Guys, she's doing it for you and she's doing it for herself. You are now playing catch up. Get with the program. Get a haircut, trim your ear and nose hairs, find both of your eyebrows and, whatever you do, please throw away the baseball caps with the ponytails attached.
I realize that my view point on such matters is not always welcomed by men in groups two and three, but, if you could put yourself in len's life for just a couple of hours, you would completely understand. Happy Holidays, Guys. I look forward to seeing you all spiffy, snappy and just plain handsome.
Given that Len's very first word was "more," and the second one was "pretty" it is no wonder that he now is the Stylist Manager in the #1 salon and spa in Puerto Vallarta, blu, but also writes an entertaining and informative beauty column, "len's life." Whatever you hair may or may not need, Len will know exactly what to do or where to go to find the answer - just send him an email at len(at)blubylen.com.
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